Move over, Space Aliens Laughed at My Cardigan. The Incredibly Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane has arrived.

First off, the administrivia. It's (c) 1997, so it's new. And it's by Mark Ryan. And it was apparently written by Mark when he was in eighth grade, which explains a lot. I guess. What I can't figure out is why Mark felt compelled to rerelease it. Apparently--at least, this is my guess--he ported it from (?) BASIC to AGT.

Now, I know what you're thinking: a port? To AGT? In 1997? Yeah, well, it does make the game a little bit funnier, as in addition to an absolutely atrocious game, the player must contend with an absolutely atrocious parser.

All that aside, there is a certain compelling quality to the game. I went to the trouble of finding and bulding Agility so I could dump the game's text and find the last two actions I was missing.

Now, I know it's not fair to pick on something someone wrote when he was fourteen. But I'm pretty confident that my Applesoft BASIC adventures would stand up to _Stiffy_ pretty well. This is easily the most amusingly horrible work of IF I've ever seen.

There is obscenity below this point, so if you're a child, or you have one reading over your shoulder, you'd probably better quit reading now. Consider this the voluntary rating system in action.

The premise? You are Stiffy Makane, and you desire to get laid. Luckily, Public Pussy Pamela (no, I am not making this up) is in one of the four rooms of the game, and you can satiate your bestial urges on her.

Major spoilers below. If, for some bizarre reason, you actually want to play this game through, without any help (if you can find those last two actions, you're a better man than I am), stop reading here.

There are a few things to recommend this game. One is that, as you remove Pamela's clothes, you have to keep holding them, or they teleport back onto her. However, that's nothing compared with the fact that you can drop your penis.

Yes, that's right. In this game, you can drop your erect penis on the floor. Check it out:

> drop penis
You feel highly embarrassed. You could have sworn you just heard
Pam giggle looking at your genitals.
You drop the big dick.

> look

Bedroom
You are in Pamela's bedroom! Hallelujah!
   Her mouth looks like a good place to put something!
   Public Pussy Pamela is here!
   Check out those hooters. Uuuuuhhhhhhhh!
   That area between her legs looks inviting.
   Your clothes are on the floor so you must be....NAKED!
   Your stiffy is big and greasy.

> take stiffy
You are now carrying the big dick.

The quality of the prose can be inferred from these brief samples (personally, I find "Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh!" to be one of the most erotic words in the English language). The, er, climactic scenes are just as titillating. And some of the object descriptions beggar belief:

> examine gun
BIG GUN KICK THE HELL OUTTA YOU!

We also have the usual AGT problem that there are certain actions you can only do once, but when you try to do them a second time, you get the same message, only with "You can't do that" tacked on at the end. Viz:

> do pam
After much aggravation, you manage to get your phenomenal stiffy
inside the gates of heaven! You move in and out, faster and faster!
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhh! For some reason, Pam doesn't
respond. "What's wrong,baby?"You ask her."Nothing's wrong,
sugar,"she replies,"I just wish you'd get started!"
Sorry, you can't do that....

If ever there were a game begging to be MST3Ked, this is it. It's got it all. Random "guess the syntax" and "guess whether or not this verb needs an object," problems (KISS PAM is not the same as KISS MOUTH. The second is correct). A severely limited vocabulary. Four, count them, four locations. All of the puzzles are basically of the "guess the verb" type, except they include inventory management, since you can't do Pamela unless you're holding her clothes (in itself, a sort of amusing image). And then, to top it all, there's exactly one way to win the game.

You guessed it. SHOOT PAMELA WITH GUN. (SHOOT PAMELA doesn't work.)

Even the Super Stiffy Secret--the message you get if you get *all* the points is, well, to be frank, stolen from Kentucky Fried Movie. Mutato nomine, et de Big Jim Slade fabula narratur.

Here's the walkthrough, in as non-offensive language as I could manage:

E
LOOK IN WINDOW
W
N
N
TAKE SKIRT
TAKE PANTIES
TAKE BLOUSE
TAKE BRA
REMOVE CLOTHES
KISS MOUTH
FEEL BREASTS
FEEL VAGINA
KISS BREASTS
DO BREASTS
KISS VAGINA
69
BLOWJOB
DO PAM
SHOOT PAMELA WITH GUN

I really hope Mark Ryan grew up and met an actual woman. However, his rerelease of this game bodes ill for that wish.

I leave you with one final clip from this game's scintillating prose:

> feel hooters
HONK,HONK!

Adam