Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 113 of 235

Section Two - "The Bouncer"

The enormous bouncer is a man in Museum Antechamber. The description of the enormous bouncer is "[if the bouncer is not handled]A huge man, both tall and stout, wielding a cudgel, glowers fiercely. He wears an ink-stained tunic and battered leather sandals[otherwise]The bouncer gives you a brief nod, one scholar to another[end if]." He is scenery. The indefinite article of the enormous bouncer is "the". The conversation of the enormous bouncer is the Table of Bouncer's Chatter. The default reply of the enormous bouncer is "'I don't understand what you mean.'" Understand "big", "huge", "tall", "stout", "fat", "giant", "gigantic", "fierce", "glowering", and "large" as the enormous bouncer. Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the enormous bouncer: no.

The worn cudgel is held by the bouncer. The description is "The worn wooden cudgel has seen plenty of use." Understand "wood" and "wooden" as the worn cudgel.

The ink-stained tunic is worn by the bouncer. The description is "The tunic is threadbare and stained with ink." Understand "threadbare" as the ink-stained tunic.

Some battered leather sandals are worn by the bouncer. They are ambiguously plural. The description is "There's nothing special about the bouncer's battered leather sandals."

Instead of showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer for the first time:

now the ink-stained tunic is warned_about;

say "The bouncer takes the papyrus fragment from you. He reads it quickly, and then shrugs as he hands it back. 'Worthless. For starters, it's in Greek and no more than three centuries old; next, you can't tell what it's supposed to be saying; and finally, I'm pretty sure I've already seen something a lot like it in the collection.'"

Instead of showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer, say "'I already told you, we don't want it.'"

Instead of giving the jagged papyrus to the bouncer, try showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer.

Instead of showing or giving the five-shekel coin to the bouncer, say "'If that's a bribe, it's insulting, and if it's a cultural artifact, it's stupid.'"

Instead of showing or giving the ten-drachma coin to the bouncer, say "'If that's a bribe, it's insulting, and if it's a cultural artifact, it's stupid.'"

Instead of showing the tallis to the bouncer for the first time, say "'Well,' says the bouncer, 'it is, indeed, a monotheistic cultural artifact. Unfortunately, it's a particularly crappy one. I mean, look at that thing; it's totally moth-eaten, and it was poorly-made to begin with.'"

Instead of showing the tallis to the bouncer, say "'I already told you, we don't want it.'"

Instead of giving the tallis to the bouncer, try showing the tallis to the bouncer.

Instead of showing the mezuzah to the bouncer:

say "The bouncer's face lights up as he examines the mezuzah closely. 'Nice goldwork,' he opines. 'Very delicate inscription on the klaf. I'd say this is a fine example of an authentically Jewish cultural artifact. Well done. Feel free to enter.' He pockets the mezuzah.";

now the bouncer is handled;

really have the parser notice the bouncer;

move the mezuzah to Limbo.

Instead of giving the mezuzah to the bouncer, try showing the mezuzah to the bouncer.

Instead of showing anything to the bouncer, say "The bouncer yawns with boredom when presented with [the noun]."

Instead of giving anything to the bouncer, say "The bouncer shakes his head tiredly. 'You don't really think [the noun] contributes to our treasury of knowledge. I know you don't.'"

Before asking the bouncer about something:

if the ink-stained tunic is warned_about

begin;

if the topic understood matches "papyrus/ragged/jagged/piece/paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

if the topic understood matches "ragged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

if the topic understood matches "jagged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

if the topic understood matches "piece of paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

if the topic understood matches "piece of papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

end if;

if the bouncer is handled

begin;

if the topic understood matches "cylinder/mezuzah/parchment/klaf/Hebrew/pendant/jewelry", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";

end if.

Table of Bouncer's Chatter

Instead of throwing something at the bouncer, try attacking the bouncer.

Instead of kicking the bouncer, try attacking the bouncer.

Before attacking the bouncer for the first time:

say "The bouncer catches both your wrists in one meaty hand. 'I admire your spirit, but consider this your one and only warning.'";

stop the action.

Before attacking the bouncer for the third time:

say "'How persistent of you,' grouses the bouncer."

Before attacking the bouncer for the sixth time:

say "'I am losing my patience with you,' notes the bouncer, ominously."

Instead of attacking the bouncer for the seventh time:

say "The bouncer shakes his head, and this time brings his cudgel down on your skull with killing force.";

end the story saying "You have been bludgeoned to death".

instead of attacking the bouncer:

say "With easy grace, the bouncer sidesteps your attack, raps you smartly on the head with his cudgel, and dumps you into the street.";

move the player to By the Museum.

Before going east in Museum Antechamber:

if the bouncer is not handled

begin;

say "The bouncer blocks your way. 'Ask me about the Great Library and I'll tell you what you need to do to get past me,' he says cheerily. 'But you have to ask.'";

stop the action;

end if.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the enormous bouncer:

say "'You're not my type,' the bouncer brusquely informs you.".