Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 169 of 235
One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard
Chapter Two - "Stetson"
Stetson is a man in the garden. "Stetson, who was with you in the ships at Mylae[20 as a reference][29 as a footnote], putters about in his garden, resplendent in his white ten-gallon hat." The description is "Beneath the hat, he is a weedy and nervous-looking fellow, with pale, sallow skin and a twitchy demeanor." Understand "man", "weedy", "nervous", "pale", "sallow", and "twitchy" as Stetson. The conversation of Stetson is the Table of Stetson's Chatter. The default reply of Stetson is "Stetson shrugs." After examining Stetson: now Stetson is handled.
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Stetson: no.
Instead of showing or giving the bone to Stetson, say "Stetson examines the bone critically. 'Yep, it's real nice. I don't need it, though. She's growin[apostrophe] real good on her own now. Maybe you could start your own garden with the meal from that bone, though.'"
Instead of showing or giving something to Stetson, say "Stetson shrugs."
Instead of sucking, blowing, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, eating, or wanking off Stetson, say "He really isn't your type."
The ten-gallon hat is an ornament. It is worn by Stetson. The description is "A truly magnificent white ten-gallon hat." Understand "Stetson's hat", "ten", "gallon", "magnificent", and "cowboy" as the ten-gallon hat.
Table of Stetson's Chatter
| topic | reply | summary | turn stamp |
| "hat" | "'It's a beaut, ain't it? I bought it in Butte. But it cost about a buttload. Ain't it purty, though? And mine, all miiiiine.'" | "he's very proud of his hat" | a number |
| "Butte" | "'Cool name, but shithole town.'" | "he doesn't actually like Butte" | -- |
| "lilac/lilacs/bush" | "'Yup. Planted it last spring. Ayup.' He momentarily looks shifty." | "he planted the lilac last spring, but that's not the whole story" | -- |
| "garden/riot/rose/roses/rosebush/crysanthemum/mum/mums/flower/flowers" | "'Nice, ain't they? Bone meal, that's the secret to get [apostrophe]em to grow like that.'" | "he's proud of his flower garden, and enriches it with bone meal" | -- |
| "bone/meal" or "bone meal" | "'Yep, makes the flowers come up right purty.'" | "he enriches his flower garden with bone meal to enhance its appearance" | -- |
| "mound/grave/corpse" | "Stetson drops his voice to a conspiratorial whisper: 'Keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men, or with his nails he'll dig it up again[21 as a reference]!'" | "there's something buried under the mound, and he's afraid of a dog digging it up" | -- |
| "snail/statue/sculpture/Speedy" | "'Yup. I call him Speedy. Been a good pal over the years. Got me outta some tight spots. Yes siree.'" | "he calls the snail statue 'Speedy' and is very fond of it" | -- |
| "Mylae/ship/ships" | "'Yup. I remember it well, buddy. That sure was something, wasn't it?'" | "he remembers Mylae vividly" | -- |
| "punic/war/wars" or "Punic War" or "Punic Wars" | "The usually-taciturn Stetson launches into an incredibly long and impassioned monologue on naval warfare, with a great deal of tactical explanation sketched in the garden dirt, and punctuated with colorful expletives. When he's done, you really wish you hadn't asked." | "he loves to talk at great length about the wars" | -- |
| "Persephone/Dolly/Parton" or "Dolly Parton" | "'That little filly sure has her eyes on my hat.'" | "he thinks Persephone wants his hat" | -- |
| "Tiresias/blind/hermaphrodite/morphodite" | "'Creepy old morphodite, ain't he?'" | "he thinks Tiresias is creepy" | -- |
| "Doug/Dougs" | "'Yuck-o, podner.'" | "he finds the wrinkled Dougs revolting" | -- |
| "Cerberus/dog" | "'That damn monster dog scares the shit outta me.'" | "he's scared of Cerberus" | -- |
| "Graham/Grahams" | "'Harmless.'" | "he doesn't think much of the Grahams" | -- |
| "Sosostris/Madame/Auntie/Mame/Sybil/Fawlty" or "Madame Sosostris" or "Auntie Mame" or "Sybil Fawlty" | "'Crazy old bat. Crazy as a coot.'" | "he thinks Madame Sosostris is insane" | -- |
| "hypocrite/lecteur/mon/sembable/frere/frère" or "hypocrite lecteur" or "mon sembable" or "mon frere" or "mon frère" | "Stetson draws himself up to his full height (about five foot six) and haughtily announces, 'Look, pal. You ain't my double, you ain't my brother, and you ain't gonna speak Frog in my goddamn garden.'" | "he really doesn't care to have French spoken here" | -- |
| "city/Unreal" or "Unreal City" | "'Gets sort of boring after a while. Damn dog ain't gonna let you leave. Not much to do except garden.'" | "he's tired of the city" | -- |
| "palace" | "'Never been inside. Might lose my hat to that little filly.'" | "he hasn't been into the palace, fearing for his hat" | -- |
| "Syra" | "'Ayup. WIld little filly with a helluva honker!'" | "he remembers Syra and her nose well" | -- |