Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 173 of 235

Chapter Two - "Cerberus"

Cerberus is a male animal in the plaza. Cerberus has a cerberus_state. Cerberus is guarding. "A terrifying three-headed dog, the size of an elephant, guards the northern gate." The description is "Cerberus is exactly as terrifying a monster as the poets always told you. It is a huge black dog, about the size of an elephant. It has a white chest, and white feet bordered with brown, a white tip on its tail, and, yes, three heads. Each head has a white blaze down the center, brown cheeks, and brown eyebrows. The dog's ears[emdash]all six of them[emdash]are black and floppy. The central head is the largest, perhaps two yards across with fearsome fangs and gallons of drool. The left head is a little smaller, and wears a sly expression. It seems to have a scar on its crown. The right head is the smallest[emdash]perhaps only four feet across[emdash]and watches you closely, its eyebrows jumping.". After examining Cerberus: now Cerberus is handled.

Understand "dog", "three-headed", "giant", "elephant", "elephantine", "huge", "terrifying", "enormous", "black", "white", "brown", and "bitch" as Cerberus. The conversation of Cerberus is the Table of Cerberus's Chatter. The default reply of Cerberus is "The left head barks suspiciously. The middle head begins a terrifying barooing. The right head counters with a terrible ululating that makes your ears hurt." [1]

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Cerberus: no.

Vinnie is a female animal. Vinnie is part of Cerberus. The printed name of Vinnie is "the left head". The description of Vinnie is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The left head is intermediate in size between the other two. It has a small scar on the top of its head, splitting its white blaze. It is growling and glaring at the right head, with only the occasional grumble in your direction.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The left head is intermediate in size between the other two. It has a small scar on the top of its head, splitting its white blaze. It is growling and glaring at the right head, with only the occasional grumble in your direction.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The left head is far too busy menacing the right head to even spare you a glance.[end if]" . Understand "scar", "left" and "head" as Vinnie. The default reply of Vinnie is "The left head responds with a series of almost-porcine grunts from deep in the throat." Instead of buggering Vinnie, try fucking Cerberus. Instead of showing something to Vinnie, try showing the noun to Cerberus. Instead of giving something to Vinnie, try giving the noun to Cerberus.

Golem is a male animal. Golem is part of Cerberus. The printed name of Golem is "the central head". The description of Golem is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The central head is the largest. It must be fully six feet from ear to ear. It is watching you suspiciously, with lots of white showing around its eyes. Every so often it erupts in horrifically loud barking. When it snarls, its teeth are the size of daggers.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The huge central head is watching you intently, gallons of drool descending from its flews in huge, slimy ropes.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The middle head is too busy trying not to get bitten to pay much attention to you.[end if]" . Understand "central", "center", "centre", "middle", and "head" as Golem. The default reply of Golem is "The center head groans and grumbles, embarking on a long and gradually-more-impassioned soliloquoy, terminating in a series of thunderous barks. You briefly regret not being able to speak Monster Dog, as you clearly just received a very important lecture." Instead of showing something to Golem, try showing the noun to Cerberus. Instead of giving something to Golem, try giving the noun to Cerberus. Instead of fucking Golem, try fucking Cerberus.

Ursa is a female animal. Ursa is part of Cerberus. The printed name of Ursa is "the right head". The description of Ursa is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The right head is the smallest, a mere four feet or so across. It's got bright, intent eyes and astonishingly white, clean, and deadly teeth.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The right head is watching you closely, with bright, intelligent eyes.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The right head is too busy trying to murder the right one to consider you as even a momentary annoyance.[end if]". Understand "right" and "head" as Ursa. The default reply of Ursa is "The right head responds with a horrible shrieking howl that makes your ears hurt." Instead of buggering Ursa, try fucking Cerberus. Instead of showing something to Ursa, try showing the noun to Cerberus. Instead of giving something to Ursa, try giving the noun to Cerberus.

The drool is a thing. Drool is held by Cerberus. The indefinite article of drool is "the". The description of drool is "[if Cerberus is intrigued]Giant ropes of slimy drool, as thick as your thigh, descend from the jaws of the central head almost to the ground.[otherwise]The middle head is the drooliest, but none can be said to be without saliva.[end if]". Instead of doing anything other than examining with the drool, say "Ick. No, thanks." Understand "saliva", "slime", "slimy", "rope", and "ropes" as drool.

The tail is part of Cerberus. The description is "The dog's tail must be fifteen feet long. It's black, with white hair at the tip." Instead of doing anything other than examining with the tail, say "The prospect of imminent and certain death dissuades you."

The flews are things. The flews are part of Cerberus. The description is "Those are just about the biggest flews[8 as a footnote] you've ever seen." Instead of doing anything other than examining with the flews, say "You really would rather not get that close to A) that much drool B) that many teeth."

Instead of rubbing or touching Cerberus:

say "This is one dog you think perhaps you'd rather not pet."

Instead of rubbing or touching Vinnie, try rubbing Cerberus. Instead of rubbing or touching Golem, try rubbing Cerberus. Instead of rubbing or touching Ursa, try rubbing Cerberus.

Instead of attacking or kicking Cerberus:

say "That was, in retrospect, a bad idea.";

end the story saying "You have been devoured".

Instead of attacking or kicking Vinnie, try attacking Cerberus. Instead of attacking or kicking Golem, try attacking Cerberus. Instead of attacking or kicking Ursa, try attacking Cerberus.

Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Cerberus:

say "You have [italic type]got[roman type] to be kidding."

Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Ursa, try fucking Cerberus. Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Golem, try fucking Cerberus. Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Vinnie, try fucking Cerberus.

Instead of kissing Cerberus:

say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the middle head a big old smooch. It gaily licks you right back, and you suffocate under gallons of drool.";

end the story saying "You have been drowned in monster dog saliva".

Instead of kissing Golem, try kissing Cerberus.

Instead of kissing Vinnie:

say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the left head a big old smooch. It believes this to be a game of 'Got Your Nose,' and, as might be expected, this ends with the dog having gotten not only your nose, but the rest of your head.";

end the story saying "You have been decapitated".

Instead of kissing Ursa:

say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the right head a big old smooch. It barks excitedly, and then bites your face off.";

end the story saying "You have had your face bitten off".

Instead of smelling Cerberus:

say "Cerberus smells of dog. [italic type]Lots[roman type] of dog."

Instead of smelling Vinnie, try smelling Cerberus. Instead of smelling Golem, try smelling Cerberus. Instead of smelling Ursa, try smelling Cerberus.

Instead of giving something to Cerberus:

if the noun is the bone, instead say "The dog sniffs the bone curiously but without much actual interest. Apparently it's simply too dry and dessicated.";

if the noun is not the real_pussy and the noun is not the real_sausage, instead say "The dog sniffs [the noun] but does not appear interested.";

say "The dog lunges for the proffered [noun]. It takes you with it.";

end the story saying "You have been devoured".

Check giving to Ursa: instead try giving the noun to Cerberus.

Check giving to Golem: instead try giving the noun to Cerberus.

Check giving to Vinnie: instead try giving the noun to Cerberus.

Check showing to Ursa: instead try showing the noun to Cerberus.

Check showing to Golem: instead try showing the noun to Cerberus.

Check showing to Vinnie: instead try showing the noun to Cerberus.

Instead of showing something to Cerberus:

if the noun is the bone, instead say "The dog sniffs the bone curiously but without much actual interest. Apparently it's simply too dry and dessicated.";

if the noun is not the real_pussy and the noun is not the real_sausage, instead say "The dog sniffs [the noun] but does not appear interested.";

now Cerberus is intrigued;

move the scenery_dog to Metaphysics;

now Cerberus is handled;

now the Cerberus_taunt_thing is the noun;

say "All three of the dog's heads snap to attention, staring fixedly at [the noun]. Gallons of drool begin to fountain from the middle head's flews."

Table of Cerberus's Chatter

Table of Fighting Cerberus Descriptions