Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 203 of 235
One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard
Release 1
Book Two - "Vergil"
Vergil is a man in Field Near Cave. Understand "Publius", "Vergilius", "Maro", and "Virgil" as Vergil. The description is "Vergil is a fastidious-looking man in a crisp white toga. He holds a pen and a scroll, making notes on the latter with the former." The conversation of Vergil is the Table of Vergilian Chatter. The default reply of Vergil is "Vergil, deep in thought, appears not to have heard you."
The vergil_scroll is held by Vergil. The printed name is "scroll". The description is "Vergil's scroll is filled with the notes he has made." Understand "Vergil's", "Virgil's", "note", "notes", and "scroll" as the vergil_scroll.
The vergil_pen is held by Vergil. The printed name is "pen". The description is "It's just an ordinary quill pen, made from a goose feather." Understand "Vergil's", "Virgil's", "pen", "quill", "goose", and "feather" as the vergil_pen.
The vergil_toga is a garment worn by Vergil. The printed name is "toga". Understand "crisp", "white", "clean", "neat", "Vergil's", "Virgil's" and "toga" as the vergil_toga. The description is "Vergil's toga is clean and neat."
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Vergil, say "Vergil avoids your embrace. 'Sorry,' he says, 'but Stiffy, you're much too old for me[45 as a footnote].'"
Table of Bucolic Observations
| observation |
| "Trust not too much to colour, beauteous boy;[line break]White privets fall, dark hyacinths are culled[44 as a footnote]." |
| "Assume thy greatness, for the time draws nigh,[line break]Dear child of gods, great progeny of Jove[44 as a footnote]!" |
| "Time carries all things, even our wits, away[44 as a footnote]." |
| "But we far hence, to burning Libya some,[line break]Some to the Scythian steppes, or thy swift flood,[line break]Cretan Oaxes, now must wend our way,[line break]Or Britain, from the whole world sundered far.[line break]Ah! shall I ever in aftertime behold[line break]My native bounds- see many a harvest hence[line break]With ravished eyes the lowly turf-roofed cot[line break]Where I was king[44 as a footnote]?" |
| "Yet here, this night, you might repose with me,[line break]On green leaves pillowed: apples ripe have I,[line break]Soft chestnuts, and of curdled milk enow[44 as a footnote]." |
| "Now the last age by Cumae's Sibyl sung[line break]Has come and gone, and the majestic roll[line break]Of circling centuries begins anew:[line break]Justice returns, returns old Saturn's reign,[line break]With a new breed of men sent down from heaven[44 as a footnote]." |
Table of Epic Amendments
| amendment |
| "I can't very well call it the [italic type]Stiffyiad[roman type], can I? What if I made it about Aeneas and the founding of Rome?" |
| "Golden Banana? That sounds retarded. Golden....beefcake? No. Barracuda? No. Bill-hook? No. Bartender? No. Bowsprit? No. Beer-glass? No. Biscuit? No. Bough? Yes! That's it! The Golden Bough!" |
| "Madame Sosostris is a nice enough old drunkard, but she seems like a faulty sybil. Maybe I should go with the Cumean?" |
| "This isn't really a true story, so it shouldn't be the Gate of Horn. Better go with Ivory." |
| "Stetson? I think I'm better off making the underworld a reminder of the sacrifice required to build Rome's glory..." |
Table of Vergilian Perambulation
| mode | poetic-action | |
| "ambles" | "scratching absentmindly at his ear with his pen" | |
| "wanders" | "chewing on the end of his pen" | |
| "strolls" | "deep in thought" | |
| "walks" | "trying out dactylic hexameters" | |
| "meanders" | "mumbling to himself" |
Table of Vergilian Chatter
| topic | reply | summary | turn stamp |
| "Syra" | "'Quite the experience, particularly the nose.'" | "he remembers Syra's nose" | a number |
| "Arcadia" | "'Arcadia is, of course, the home of Pan, and therefore seemed a better setting for my [italic type]Eclogues[roman type] than Sicily, even if Theocritus put [roman type]his[italic type] works there.'" | "Arcadia is the fitting setting for the [italic type]Eclogues[roman type]" | -- |
| "Theocritus" | "'Theocritus is one of my favorite poets.'" | "Theocritus is one of his favorite poets" | -- |
| "Aeneas/Aeneid/Rome/Roman/Italy" | "'I think there's probably a poem there; thanks for the inspiration!'" | "he thanked you for inspiring his to-be-written epic about Aeneas" | -- |
| "Mantua" | "'My home stomping grounds.'" | "Mantua is where he considers his home to be" | -- |
| "me/myself/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Mentula" or "Gaius Macanus Mentula" | "'I'll get word to your family that you're safe and in good hands.'" | "he'll tell your family you're OK" | -- |
| "banana" or "golden banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord" | "'I can't help you there; sounds like you need to get it to Olympus.'" | "he thinks you should take the banana to Olympus" | -- |
| "pastoral poetry" or "bucolic/bucolics/eclogue/eclogues/sheep/cow/goat/goats/cattle/cows/poem/poetry/poems" | "'Almost done with the current batch. I'm actually kind of sick of sheep and cows and goats; can you believe it? Sure, the moonmilk lets you understand their speech, but it turns out they have nothing interesting to say.'" | "He's nearly done with the [italic type]Eclogues[roman type] and is kind of tired of the subject. Even though moonmilk has allowed him to understand farm animals' speech, they don't have anything interesting to say" | -- |
| "Corydon" | "'Too much of a Gary-Stu, you think?'" | "he worries that Corydon is too obviously himself" | -- |
| "Alexis/Alexander" or "fair Alexis" | "Vergil blushes and says nothing." | "he blushes when asked about 'Alexis'" | -- |
| "Cebes" | "'Awww, he's a sweetie. And his poetry's really rather good.'" | "Cebes is a decent budding poet" | -- |
| "Catalepton/Priapea/Epigrams/Dirae/Ciris/Culex" | "'Pah! Juvenalia!'" | "he's not proud of his early work" | -- |
| "Georgics" | "Vergil looks at you strangely. 'I haven't written anything like that.'" | "he hasn't even thought of the [italic type]Georgics[roman type] yet, you ahistorical lout" | |
| "Plotia Hieria" or "Plotia/Hieria" | "'Ewww.'" | "Vergil is not enamored of Plotia Hieria" | -- |
| "cave/tomb/gate/horn/hornéd/cavern" or "hornéd gate" or "horned gate" | "'I have long suspected that was actually the Gate of Horn.'" | "he long suspected the cave to be the mouth of the Gate of Horn." | -- |
| "Sosostris/Madame" or "Madame Sosostris" | "'She seems a pleasant enough drunkard, though I wonder about her predictive abilities.'" | "Madame Sosostris is a pleasant old sot, but, he suspects, a faulty sybil" | -- |
| "himself/Vergil/Virgil" or "Publius Vergilius Maro" | "'I hope my poetry someday is deemed worthy.'" | "he worries about his poetic reputation" | -- |
| "marble/inscription" or "et in arcadia ego" | "'It helps me pretend I'm in Arcadia rather than in Mantua.'" | "the inscription is a source of Arcadian inspiration to him" | -- |
| "Auguste/Escoffier/chef/French/cook/gaul" or "Auguste Escoffier" or "French chef" | "'He's the finest chef of whom I am aware.'" | "he is quite proud of his chef" | -- |
| "Ulpia/maid/sous-chef/lazy/slattern/scullery/slut" or "lazy slut" or "scullery maid" | "'Honestly, I don't know why I keep her around.'" | "he doesn't know why he keeps his maid around" | -- |
| "moonmilk/moon-milk/moon/milk/calcite" | "'Moonmilk allows you to understand animals' speech. Tastes awful, though. There's a big deposit in the deep parts of the cellar, if you're interested'" | "moonmilk makes animals' speech intelligble. There's some in the cellar, apparently" | -- |