Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 232 of 235

Chapter Three - "Argus"

The mortal score is a number that varies. The mortal score is 0.

Scenery_argus is a man in the Grand Palace. He is scenery. He is proper-named. The printed name is "Argus". Understand "Argus", "grade", "grade-A", "douche", "douchebag", "hundred", "eyed", "eye", "hundred-eyed", "Panoptes", and "Argos" as scenery_argus. The description is "Hundred-eyed Argus speaks with Juno about something. Just from looking at him, you can tell he's a grade-A douchebag." Does the player mean doing something with scenery_argus: it is likely. Scenery_argus has a virginity. He is unboinked.

Instead of inserting anything into scenery_argus:

if the noun is not the Golden Banana of Discord

begin;

say "You are reasonably sure that you're only going to get one shot at this, and [the noun] is not the Golden Banana.";

otherwise;

follow the argus-buggering-with-banana rule;

end if;

stop the action.

Instead of fucking scenery_argus:

if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";

follow the argus-buggering rule.

Instead of buggering scenery_argus:

if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";

follow the argus-buggering rule.

The argus buggery object is a thing that varies. The argus buggery object is the stiffycock.

This is the argus-buggering-with-banana rule:

now the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord;

follow the argus-buggering rule.

This is the argus-buggering rule:

Let H be 0;

Now the mortal score is the score;

say "You charge straight towards Argus from your position by the door. [run paragraph on]";

now scenery_argus is unboinked;

if scenery_eris is in the location [this should always be true]

begin;

increase H by 1;

say "As you pick up speed, Eris steps out in front of Argus. 'Hey, Argus,' she says. 'I think I found your cock rings!' As the other gods turn to stare at her, she throws a double handful of tiny gold links, as from a necklace chain, onto the floor. Argus begins to flush as a titter ripples through the room. [run paragraph on]";

end if;

say "[paragraph break]";

if scenery_anas is in the location

begin;

increase H by 1;

say "Anas flaps, quaking obnoxiously, towards Argus, and begins to beat at his face with her wings and beak. 'Fuck, a duck!' roars Argus, like an over-punctuated Henry Miller, as he flails wildly at her. Juno tries to help Argus, and draws back in dismay, sucking at a bitten finger. Anas cackles maniacally and continues her onslaught.[paragraph break]";

end if;

if scenery_trivia is in the location

begin;

increase H by 1;

say "With a 'bamf' noise, Trivia appears to Argus's right, drawing some of his gazes. 'Did you know,' she asks, irrelevantly, 'that the average diameter of the adult human eyeball is just a little less than an inch?' He goggles at her in confusion.[paragraph break]";

end if;

if scenery_caesar is in the location

begin;

say "Caesar sprints up to Argus, and shouts 'For the glory of Rome!' Then he winds up and kicks Argus as hard as he can between the legs. Argus doubles over in pain[run paragraph on]";

now scenery_caesar is warned_about;

increase H by 1;

if divine Caesar is horny

begin;

say " and Caesar screams, spittle flying from the corners of his mouth, 'This one's for Cleopatra!' He drives his knee into the bridge of Argus's nose, which begins to spray ichor everywhere. Over Argus's back, you can see Mars grin appreciatively[run paragraph on]";

increase H by 1;

end if;

say ".[paragraph break]";

end if;

say "And then you reach Argus.[paragraph break]";

if H is less than two

begin;

say "Argus, although beleagured, is not so distracted as to be unmindful of your assault. He easily twists away, and grabs you around the neck with one meaty hand. He leans in close, and just before he crushes your windpipe and snaps your neck, he snarls into your face, 'You needed to have a better class of friends, dickwipe.'";

end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory";

end if;

if H is two

begin;

let B be "your purple and engorged choad";

if the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord

begin;

now B is "the Golden Banana of Discord";

end if;

say "You thust [B] towards Argus's ass, but he is not quite so distracted that you actually manage to penetrate him. He twists to the side, hooks your leg with his ankle, and yanks sideways. Your head bounces off the floor, and you are only dimly conscious of Argus lifting you into the air by your ankle, shouting 'Hey, everyone! One of Eris's crab-lice!' and then smashing your skull to a bloody smear on the marble.";

end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory";

end if;

if the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord

begin;

if H is three

begin;

say "You jab the Banana between Argus's butt-cheeks, and are pretty sure you got the tip into his anus a little way. He shouts, whirls around[emdash]the Banana clatters to the floor[emdash]grabs you by the throat, and begins to squeeze. Eris shouts, 'Stop right there!'[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter spreads his hands and intones, 'To the Halls of Justice.'";

now scenery_argus is boinked;

increment the score;

now scenery_argus is warned_about;

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

if H is four

begin;

say "Argus screams as you jam the banana halfway up his butt. He staggers in a tight circle, the Golden Banana protruding like an incongruous metallic turd, and Juno grabs you, pinioning your arms behind her back. 'I'm going to get you, my pretty,' she hisses, 'and your little duck too[86 as a reference].[paragraph break]";

say "Eris steps forward. 'Mine. Not yours,' she says to Juno. They glare at each other.[paragraph break]";

say "'To the Halls of Justice!' booms Jupiter. You get the feeling he loves saying that.";

now scenery_argus is boinked;

increment the score;

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

if H is five

begin;

say "Argus is bent over, clasping his broken nose, and his rectum is gaping right at you. The entire Banana disappears, as does your right arm up to the wrist. There is shocked silence among the gods, broken only by Argus's gaspy weeping. Mars begins to clap, but then Pluto savagely stomps his instep. Juno grabs you around the left wrist with a grip of steel and snarls, 'You'll pay for this.'[paragraph break]";

say "Eris steps forward. 'He's mine.' Juno glares.[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter, struggling to keep his voice solemn, intones, 'To the Halls of Justice, then.'";

now scenery_argus is boinked;

increment the score;

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

otherwise;

if H is three

begin;

say "You barely get the tip of your penis between Argus's butt-cheeks. He wriggles away and siezes you by the throat. As he begins to squeeze, Eris's voice rings out: 'Stop right there!'";

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

if H is four

begin;

say "You drive your dick up Argus's butt. He lurches forward and disengages, and then topples onto his forehead and knees. You reach forward and insert the Golden Banana into his ass, but before you can push it in, Juno grabs your arms and pinions them behind your back. 'Who put you up to this?' she snarls.[paragraph break]";

say "Her eyes narrow as Eris steps forward. 'I did.' It looks as if there's about to be a catfight.[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter booms, 'Ladies, Ladies. To the Halls of Justice!'";

now scenery_argus is boinked;

increment the score;

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

if H is five

begin;

say "Argus is doubled over, clasping his broken nose. His sphincter is agape and pointing right at you. You slide in. Three solid thrusts produce a violent ejaculation from you. You pull out, squeegee semen from your dripping dick into one of the eyes on his left ass-cheek, and flourish the Golden Banana of Discord.[paragraph break]";

say "You insert it into his rectum until just the tip is peeking out, like the cherry on top of an ice-cream sundae.[paragraph break]";

say "The gods are frozen in silent horror. The only sound is Argus's gaspy weeping. Then Mars starts to applaud. Pluto savagely steps on his foot. Juno grabs you around the left wrist with a grip of steel and snarls, 'You'll pay for this.'[paragraph break]";

say "Eris steps forward. 'He's mine.' Juno glares.[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter, struggling to keep his voice solemn, intones, 'To the Halls of Justice, then.'";

now scenery_argus is boinked;

increment the score;

follow the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;

end if;

end if;

if the location is not the Halls of Justice and the story has not ended

begin;

say "BUG! How did you get here?";

end if;

stop the action.

This is the to-the-halls-of-justice rule:

repeat with R running through things contained by the player

begin;

move R to Limbo;

end repeat;

move the stiffycock to the player;

follow the major-scene-change rule;

move scenery_jove to Halls of Justice;

move scenery_Juno to Halls of Justice;

move scenery_Eris to Halls of Justice;

move scenery_Argus to Halls of Justice;

now the description of scenery_jove is "Grim-visaged Jupiter presides over the trial.";

now the description of scenery_Juno is "Juno is livid with rage.";

now the description of scenery_Eris is "Eris has a half-smirk on her face.";

move the player to Halls of Justice;

stop the action.

Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_argus, say "You're pretty sure you are going to need the element of surprise to deal with Argus."