Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 76 of 235
One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard
Part Two - "Palinurus"
Palinurus is a man in the Poop Deck. The default reply of Palinurus is "'Arr, matey. I don't be knowin[apostrophe] much about [apostrophe][the topic understood],[apostrophe] but ye can ask me about any of the places I know how to sail to and I[apostrophe]ll take ye there, or ye can ask me about [apostrophe]destinations[apostrophe] or [apostrophe]places[apostrophe] and I'll list [apostrophe]em all for ye. Arr.' ". The conversation of Palinurus is the Table of Palinurus's Chatter. The description is "Palinurus is the helmsman of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]. He's a weathered middle-aged man, with piercing green eyes and gray hair. His wiry frame is well-muscled." Understand "pal", "old", "man", "helmsman", "muscles", "muscle", "wiry", "well-muscled", "muscled", "well", "frame", "middle", "aged", and "middle-aged" as Palinurus.
Palinurus's eyes are part of Palinurus. They are ambiguously plural. Understand "eye", "sea-green", "pale", "piercing", and "green" as Palinurus's eyes. The description is "Palinurus's eyes are a pale sea-green. He is constantly scanning the horizon."
Palinurus's hair is part of Palinurus. Understand "wild", "unkempt", "gray", "tangled", "mane", and "long" as Palinurus's hair. The description is "Palinurus's hair is a wild, unkempt tangle of gray, forming a mane that stretches past his shoulders."
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Palinurus:
say "Palinurus shoves you away. 'Belay that, lad! I[apostrophe]m married to the sea!'";
Table of Palinurus's Chatter
| topic | reply | summary | turn stamp |
| "Palinurus/helmsman/himself" | "'Yarrr, with a name like that, what chance did I ever have to become anything else?'" | "he feels his name doomed him to a profession as a helmsman" | -- |
| "Pirate/arr/arrrr/arrgh/yar/yarr/yargh/yarrr" | "'Aye, arrrre you making fun of my way of speakin[apostrophe] now, lad?'" | "he took some offense at your mockery of his speech" | -- |
| "ocean/sea/wife/woman" | "'Arr, the sea is like t'a woman: mysterious, treacherous, governed by the moon, an[apostrophe] a-smellin[apostrophe] of tuna.'" | "he told you the sea was like a woman" | -- |
| "Syra" | "'Aye, [apostrophe]twas a wild night, that one. Long ago, lad. Long ago.'" | "he had a wild night long ago with Syra" | -- |
| "Nineveh" | "'Nineveh? It was nowhere near the sea, lad, and it be long gone to ruin.'" | "Nineveh was destroyed long ago" | -- |
| "Tarshish" | "'Tarshish? Never heard of it.'" | "he knows no place named Tarshish" | -- |
| "#fake0" | "No text." | "he told you the places to which he can sail [bracket]you can always ask him about PLACES again[close bracket]" | -- |
Instead of asking Palinurus about "destinations/places":
if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie! Can't ye see I'm busy?'";
say "Palinurus clears his throat. 'Aye,' he begins. 'I can steer you to [run paragraph on]";
repeat with N running from 1 to the number of rows in the the Table of Ports
begin;
choose row N in the Table of Ports;
if N is the number of rows in the Table of Ports and N > 1
begin;
say "and [run paragraph on]";
end if;
say "[expected-port-name entry][run paragraph on]";
if N is not the number of rows in the Table of Ports
begin;
say ", [run paragraph on]";
end if;
end repeat;
say ". That's the lot. Yarr.'";
now Palinurus is conversed;
replace the topic understood with "#fake0";
if topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Palinurus's Chatter, now the turn stamp entry is the turn count;
rule succeeds.
Before asking Palinurus about something:
if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie! Can't ye see I'm busy?'";
If the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports
begin;
if the ship-present entry is "yes"
begin;
say "Palinurus stares at you curiously. 'Aye, laddie. We[apostrophe]re already here.'";
otherwise;
if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 0 or the golden banana is not enclosed by the player
begin;
if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Archie is unboinked
begin;
say "Palinurus jerks a thumb at the sky. 'We don't sail until she clears up, laddie!'";
stop the action;
end if;
if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Carthage is not warned_about, follow the swap-Carthage-and-Syracuse rule;
say "Palinurus nods. 'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts. Bruno comes aboard. Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars[run paragraph on]";
let T be port-name entry;
let E be expected-port-name entry;
let F be flavor-text entry;
choose row with a ship-present of "yes" in the Table of Ports;
now the ship-present entry is "no";
replace the topic understood with T;
if the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports
begin;
now the ship-present entry is "yes";
now the destination of the gangway is the port-name entry;
follow the check-for-diseases rule;
move Bruno to the disembarkation-location entry;
move the scenery_ship to the disembarkation-location entry;
now the times-visited entry is the times-visited entry + 1;
end if;
if the fake beard is warned_about
begin;
follow the here-come-da-whale rule;
stop the action;
end if;
if the tallis is worn and the fake beard is worn and the golden banana is not handled
begin;
follow the here-come-da-whale rule;
stop the action;
end if;
say "[F][paragraph break]";
otherwise;
now the destination of the gangway is "nowhere";
move the gangway to Limbo;
[ Pirate Attack code here ]
now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 2;
say "Palinurus nods. 'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts. Bruno comes aboard. Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars. But along the way...";
end if;
end if;
stop the action;
end if.