Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 235 of 235

Book Two - "Tempus Edax Rerum"

Every turn during Endgame:

let T be the turn count;

let S be the endgame start;

let E be T - S;

if E is one

begin;

now the player is unboinked;

say "Jupiter clears his throat. 'Fellow deities,' he begins. 'I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our divine ranks. This is Stiffy Makane, whom you may remember from his little performance in the Grand Palace. Isn't he,' he continues, pausing to lasciviously rub your orange hull, 'the most gorgeous pumpkin you've ever seen?' There is a murmur of assent.";

end if;

if E is two

begin;

say "There's a sudden sharp pain, and you realize that Jupiter is carving a small hole in your shell, a little way below the stem. Uh oh. This can't be good. There is the rustle of disrobing.";

end if;

if E is three

begin;

say "'As is my right as king of the gods, firsties!' shouts Jupiter, and enthusiastically fucks the hole he has just cut. Actually, it's not unpleasant. He sighs as his orgasm shakes him.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is four

begin;

say "'As the sponsor of Divine Stiffy Makane's ascension, and to discharge my debt to him,' says Eris, 'I'll go next.' You feel her bend down next to you, pat you on the side, and say, 'Sorry, Stiffy. I know this wasn't quite how you had imagined receiving your reward.' Then she proceeds to squat over your stem and bounce her way to a screaming climax.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is five

begin;

say "There's a sudden impact as Argus kicks you. 'See how [italic type]you[roman type] like it, bitch!' he snarls, and proceeds to methodically rape you with each of his hundred penises.";

increase the score by 100;

end if;

if E is six

begin;

say "Mercury, Bacchus, Neptune, and Pluto all gang-bang you, but it's completely hetero and not gay at all. Really.";

increase the score by 4;

end if;

if E is seven

begin;

say "Caesar says, 'Well, I guess I'm ready to get back on that horse,' and does.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is eight

begin;

say "You enjoy a few minutes of blissful peace and quiet.";

end if;

if E is nine

begin;

say "Juno stalks into the garden, looks around to be sure no one is watching, and pleasures herself on your stem.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is ten

begin;

say "A drunken Mars/Minerva combo tag-teams you.";

increase the score by two;

end if;

if E is eleven

begin;

say "There's a soft quacking, and Anas humps herself to an avian orgasm against your shell. 'Oh, c'mon,' she explains, 'I may be Jupiter's toy now, but, seriously, vegetables don't count!'";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is twelve

begin;

say "Argus comes back for seconds,";

increase the score by 100;

end if;

if E is 13

begin;

say "Over the course of a few months, you are gradually visited less and less frequently.";

let Q be a random number between 537 and 1009;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 14

begin;

say "Eris whispers, quite close to you. 'I think everyone's forgotten about you. Don't worry, I've told Festus where to find you. And, hey, once more for luck....'";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is 15

begin;

say "Suddenly, you're falling. You hit stony ground with a bump, but don't shatter. Guess you really [italic type]are[roman type] immortal. You roll down the slopes of Olympus, and eventually come to rest.";

now the location is Macedonian Hillside;

end if;

if E is 16

begin;

say "A curious fox wanders by, nibbles at you, doesn't like the taste, decides it doesn't have to pee, and fucks you instead.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is 17

begin;

say "A familiar voice rings out 'Oh, [italic type]there[roman type] you are, Stiffy! Wow, Eris wasn't lying! You [italic type]are[roman type] looking good!' Well, at least Festus is predictable.";

increment the score;

end if;

if E is 18

begin;

say "Festus takes you back home to Ostia and installs you in the Peristyle. You are treated like the other lares and penates, which is to say with respect but no actual worship. Unlike the other household gods, though, you receive fairly consistent erotic attention.";

now the location is Peristyle;

let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 19

begin;

say "Many years pass. Your aged father manumits Festus and names him as his heir. In the natural course of time, Festus becomes master of the Makane household.";

let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 20

begin;

say "Festus fathers many children, and eventually dies at a quite advanced age.";

let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 21

begin;

say "Many generations pass.";

let Q be a random number between 114 and 224;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 22

begin;

say "Rome falls to the barbarians. The villa is sacked.";

now the location is Ruined Villa;

increment the score;

end if;

if E is 23

begin;

say "The Dark Ages pass uneventfully for you, with only the occasional passing wanderer to break the monotony.";

let Q be a random number between 26 and 59;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 24

begin;

say "Frankly, the Middle Ages and the Renaissance aren't a whole lot better, but there's more traffic.";

let Q be a random number between 136 and 211;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 25

begin;

say "A Dutchman by the name of Van Pelt acquires you as part of an agricultural lot. You go on a long sea voyage and end up in a pumpkin patch north and west of New Amsterdam.";

now the location is Pumpkin Patch;

increase the score by 22;

end if;

if E is 26

begin;

say "A couple more centuries pass.";

let Q be a random number between 23 and 31;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 27

begin;

now the player is warned_about;

choose a row with a character of "Peanuts cast" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;

now the met entry is true;

say "Wait, what's this? One fall, a boy with an oddly-misshapen head, his similarly ill-favored sister, a boy with an enormous round head and a zigzag on his shirt, a couple other children, and their black-and-white beagle all come out to the pumpkin patch at midnight.[paragraph break]";

say "The boy with the blanket shouts, 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin! Arise!'[paragraph break]";

say "He gestures to his companions, and soon they too are chanting, 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!";

end if;

if E is 28

begin;

say "The children, a little older, come back this year. Once again, they gather in the pumpkin patch and chant 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!'";

end if;

if E is 29

begin;

say "The children are nearly pubescent this year. They still chant 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!' but they seem self-conscious about it. You don't think they'll be back another year.";

end if;

if E is 30

begin;

now the player is boinked; [ "fucked" would be more accurate ]

say "Sure enough, the children don't come back.";

end if;

if E is 31

begin;

say "Time passes. Technological marvels abound: satellites, communications networks, flying cars, genetically-engineered pet dinosaurs. Not a lot in the way of vegetable-fuckers, though.";

let Q be a random number between 12 and 16;

increase the score by Q;

end if;

if E is 32

begin;

say "There's a very, very bright flash and an extremely loud noise.";

now the location is Atomic Wasteland;

end if;

if E is 33

begin;

say "Years pass. You are undisturbed.";

end if;

if E is 34

begin;

say "Decades pass. You are undisturbed.";

end if;

if E is 35

begin;

say "Centuries pass. You are undisturbed.";

end if;

if E is 36

begin;

say "Milennia pass. You are undisturbed.";

end if;

if E is 37

begin;

say "Millions of years pass. You are undisturbed.";

end if;

if E is 38

begin;

say "Eventually, a new breed of men[emdash]ant-men, to be precise[emdash]start their own civilization. They do not appear to find pumpkins alluring in the slightest.";

now the location is Ant-Man Kingdom;

end if;

if E is 39

begin;

say "That civilization eventually destroys itself, too.";

now the location is Atomic Wasteland;

end if;

if E is 40

begin;

say "Dozens more dominant species come and go.";

end if;

if E is 41

begin;

say "The sun goes nova.";

now the location is Deep Space;

end if;

if E is 42

begin;

say "You drift through interstellar space for several billion years.";

end if;

if E is 43

begin;

say "You swing near the black hole at the center of what's left of the Milky Way and are slingshot-cast into intergalactic space.";

end if;

if e is 44

begin;

say "You drift through intergalactic space for several hundred billion years. Almost all the stars burn out. Galactic black holes coalesce.";

end if;

if e is 45

begin;

say "You drift for an almost inconceivably huge amount of time. Protons decay. You don't.";

end if;

if e is 46

begin;

say "Eventually, you are pulled beyond the event horizon that encloses a supermassive black hole.";

now the location is Black Hole;

end if;

if E is 47

begin;

say "Not even the Narrator can say what happens in [italic type]there[roman type].";

end the story saying "Immortality[emdash]but not the good kind";

end if.